Dear Aunt Bitsy:
This here is your nephew, Howie Pee. Maw sez you are gonna be sittin on the house while she is gone this weekend. *looks with amazement up at rooftop* If you see any dang birds while yew are up there, could you catch me one? My kittypal Jane tells me they are delishush.
Anyway, that is beside the point. I gots some important instructions fur you that maw probly forgot to mention in her haste to go far far away from her poor starvin unloved and fergottin puggies. Here are the instructions so pay attention.
Meals R IMPORTANT. We should have at least eight of these a day, in between snacks. And Don't skimp. It's imperative that the case of Merrick's Venison Stew is completely empty by the time maw gets home in 2 days.
Annie will try to tell yew she is the boss o' me. She ain't, even tho she can whoop me whenever she feels like it. Just because I run behind Maw's legs when Annie starts chewing on me is no reason to think I am not the boss. That's why it is necessary fur you to throw Annie's favorite toy over the fence. That will keep her preoccupied until Maw gets home, and maybe even leave her bowl unattended at mealtime so I can clean that up for her.
Number Four. (WUTT? I can't count! I'm a PUG!!! sheesh)
At bedtime, we gots a certain routine and I don't want you to mess it up. Java needs a booster booster to git up on the bed. I don't need a booster booster cuz I am ATHLETIC HOWARD WONDERDOGGY. Annie needs a booster booster to get on the bed. Don't give her a booster. Don't ask why, just don't give her a booster, k?
When Java is ready to go to bed, he will go sit on the bathmat in front of the shower. That is Java's BOOSTER PAD. It is real important you wait for him to get sat down and ready for his booster. Don't try to sneak up behind him and grab him, that makes him real annoyed, and when he is annoyed, waves of cheesiness happen. Trust me on this. You don't want waves of cheesiness in the big bed.
Mealtimes are important. What? I KNOW I mentioned this one already, but it begs revisitin. In addition to the Merrick's stew fur doggies, which is good but not fillin, there is Country Cookout Kibble in the plastic container in the pantry. Mom probly forgot to tell you to leave that open for me when you are gone. Don't forget, k? Otherwise I could dry up and blow away. Annie will not dry up and blow away. She is little but that chick is stout.
If yew got any questions, don't call maw. She is bizzee. Just check with me. You know where to find me.